Why is the first step the hardest? Is it because I fear what awaits ahead. Or that I will fail again despite trying my hardest and then all my progress will have been for nothing. I fear failure before I’ve even started. Or that halfway through I will lose the drive and give up when things get difficult. I guess I just have to acknowledge that things will be hard, but that okay. With hardship comes ease. And how will I ever appreciate any success I attain, if I don’t struggle and go through the hardship first?
The reason I’m starting this is very personal. As You know, I have done things I’m ashamed of and not just once. But over and over again. And I have asked You for forgiveness, but after awhile I started feeling like a hypocrite. I begged for forgiveness, but then made the same mistakes again. Knowingly. With my eyes wide open. I feel like I am taking advantage of Your mercy and forgiveness. That I am no longer worthy of it. I read the following Hadith and realized it’s so simple for You because You want to forgive us. It’s just so hard for me to contemplate the power of Your mercy and forgiveness. But it gives me hope. That while I live, there is a chance for me.
I have felt for a long time that I have lost my way. That I am like a train that has derailed from the track. Or a person who has wondered off the path and is lost deep within the forest. The hardest part for me is opening up and being vulnerable. Acknowledging the fact that I did do wrong, especially the same wrong multiple times. But I can’t change this fact. I can’t travel back in time and erase it. I can’t ignore it either and just bury it in the deep recesses of my brain where I don’t have to think about it. Maybe some people can. But I can’t. It felt if it was eating away at my soul. So I wrote You a letter, which I know You read and poured out everything. The wrongs I have committed and all my fears. My darkest secrets which I cannot share with anyone because I fear they would judge me too harshly. The thing is I know You already know and see everything. You know exactly how I feel. But somehow writing everything down and seeing it in front of me made me feel a little better.
The first step on any journey is difficult. But this journey of life and finding my way back to You will be the most difficult I will take, but in the end I know it will be worth it. So I will try my best but I need Your help because I can’t do this alone.
Sincerely asking your forgiveness,
Your Sinful Servant
I pray I have the strength to take the first step back towards the right track.